Managing Difficult Personalities
Let’s face it: we’ve all been someone’s “difficult personality” at some point! 😳 Given multiple constraints, relationships at work can be complex and require patience.
It takes time to understand each other and adapt to different operating modes, depending on whether you are more “people-oriented,” “direct,” “analytical” or “creative.”
However, certain ways of operating are more “difficult” than others, such as those that prevent cooperation despite repeated efforts. You can unmistakably identify a difficult personality when:
Working with them leads to constant uneasiness
You are constantly on guard, feel guilty or invisible
You are exhausted from any exchanges
There are frequent disagreements, which occur in a tense or crisis mode
This person is on bad terms with many staff members
Though it’s not possible to change a “difficult personality,” you can avoid certain mistakes and foster the status quo.
Category | Characteristics | Behavior | Don’t | Do |
Antisocial | irresponsibility, claiming | great self-confidence, great self-control or sometimes violent | show fear, causing them to lose face, or be impulsive | be powerful, serene |
Anxious | worrying, constant tension | shoulders tense, restricted breathing, alarmed gaze | surprise, improvise, use bursts of optimism | be extra reliable to reassure them |
Dependent | fear of being alone, admires others | overly kind, submissive, “needy” | push forward or systematically help | trust with responsibilities they are capable of, encourage to be more self-reliant |
Depressive | pessimistic, puts themselves down | makes the most of their misfortunes | use excessive kindness or excessive positivity | show appreciation, give opportunities to succeed that they can handle |
Avoiding | fear of disappointing, seeks approval | reserved, shy, blushes, stammers, hushed voice | rush or use irony, mocking, irritation | show gentleness and consideration |
Hyperactive | impatient, competitive, fast | wandering eyes, machine-gun voice, fidgeting lower limbs | require excessive reflection or analysis, pointless competitions | be available and attentive |
Introverted | lonely, isolated | vague look, seems not to be “there” | display feelings or have excessively close relationships | use logical, quantified, rational arguments |
Narcissistic | self-centered, charming | occupies the space without taking others into account | use systematic opposition or non-renewable favors | compliment moderately and talk about others |
Obsessional | perfectionist, obsessed | long sentences, recurring topics of conversation | rush, use irony or excessive recognition | reassure about their abilities |
Paranoid | mistrustful, rigid | cold, behaves like a "commander" | improvise, use mockery or compliment | be solid and maintain contact |
Passive-aggressive | rebellious, obstructing | loud voice, withdrawn, sometimes aggressive physical proximity | be authoritarian, criticize or attack | be informal, simple, sensitive |
Dramatic | seductive, dramatic | strong vocal and physical expressiveness, seeks attention | use seduction, compassion, mockery | listen without falling under their spell |
Break Free From Psychological Games
There are two types of dysfunctional relationships in which the protagonists find themselves trapped in an endless circle, sometimes changing roles, but never escaping from them.
The phenomenon sometimes occurs unconsciously, sometimes insidiously through manipulation. These psychological games work against your independence and are sources of unease.
The first is the drama triangle (Karpman), which associates three interdependent roles: the “victim,” the “persecutor” and the “rescuer.”
The second, described by Transactional Analysis, is the parent/child model.
Identify the Drama Triangle and Break Free From It
The drama triangle involves a “persecutor,” a “victim” and a “rescuer.” These three roles do not necessarily occupy the same time and space. They describe the types of dysfunctional roles that some people play. Learn to spot these behaviors.
The “victim” will flatter the “rescuer” or “persecutor” in you.
The “persecutor” looks for a “victim.”
The “rescuer” seeks to rescue.
Sometimes a former “victim” becomes a “persecutor” or “rescuer.”
The roles change throughout a lifetime or a career.
The table below describes the attitudes of the three profiles and offers ways to break out of this triangular relationship at work:
Triangle | Persecutor | Victim | Rescuer |
Characteristics |
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Unfulfilled need | Esteem | Security | Recognition |
To do if you recognize yourself as … |
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To do if you are confronted with … |
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Counter-manipulation phrases to say in a neutral tone and with an open posture |
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Changing the Parent/Child Relationship Into an Adult/Adult One
The “child” is a dysfunctional behavior because the person refuses to be independent and rejects any responsibility, with two possible attitudes: rebellion or over-submission. The “child” is looking for a “parent.”
As for the “parent,” they are looking for a “child” they can keep dependent upon them.
Strive for an adult/adult relationship, which requires:
Assuming one’s responsibilities
Accepting criticism
The ability to identify one’s own needs and to express them (emotional maturity)
A good posture between empathy and assertiveness
Let's Recap!
Become a super team player by learning to:
Manage difficult personalities (and acknowledge that we are all someone's "difficult personality")
Identify and break free from psychological games, such as:
The drama triangle, made up of a "persecutor,” a “victim” and a “rescuer”
The parent/child relationship, defined by rebellion or over-submission
You know the right mindset and you’ve worked on yourself. Now you’re ready to organize yourself and boost your team performance! 😎
