There is no conflict without emotions, so no conflict can be handled without learning to manage emotions. This chapter is full of tips, which you can put to use immediately! :D
When emotions go beyond their short life-span, happen too frequently, or are too expressive, they present three dangers:
They are exhausting.
They are harmful to group life and cooperation.
They hinder reasoning and rational thinking.
The body uses emotions to gather the energy needed to face urgent situations. Because they are a physical reaction, the best way to manage emotions is through the body. We'll go over some simple techniques to manage them!
With workplace conflicts, managing emotions means:
Recognizing them, to know yourself and to take them into account.
Managing them, to ensure your well-being and to encourage cooperation.
Listen to your emotions and recognize them
The role emotions play in learning, creativity, innovation, entrepreneurship, and leadership is now widely recognized.
Having a defensive attitude can cover your emotions. Do you recognize yourself in one of these four dynamics?
Denial: You deny emotions like anger (especially violent). Signs are often hidden unless physical. One variation, repression, usually comes out though psycho-somatic manifestations.
Transformation: Emotional unrest is visible, but the true emotion is hidden. For example, your anger is turned into sadness because it wasn't accepted when you were a child.
Rationalization: When you feel very emotional and look at the reasons behind it, it loses its spontaneity.
Displacing the emotion: The emotion is projected onto someone or something else: "I see you're sad.” The sadness at losing a promotion is displaced onto a colleague (or spouse), leading to guilt or misunderstandings.
Listening and regulating your emotions will reduce their impact on the body: insomnia, migraine, anxiety, skin irritations, etc.
Manage your emotions
Discover the energy cycle of an emotion
It has four phases:
First, a spark lights the fuse. This is the trigger phase. These sparks are often recurring, and self-awareness can help you identify them: What attitude, word, look, lack of reaction puts you out of sorts?
During the build-up phase, the energy accumulates and bubbles inside.:colere:
The pent-up energy is released during outburst. In some of us, it is very visible: trembling, reddening, escaping, rising voice, exaggerated gestures, etc. :waw:
When the emotion has passed, you move into the unwind phase. If you don't complete this phase, things can accumulate and cause somatization, insomnia, etc.
Emotions produce a cycle of energy. There is a free play to this cycle that can be undermined by certain dysfunctions and raise the risk of dissatisfaction and conflict:
A disproportionate emotional response: the repeated and internalized triggers can cause an over-sensitivity and excessive reaction. Or the person uses filters to delay the outburst (denial, rationalization, displacement) until he/she explodes. This is the “straw that breaks the camel’s back” effect.
In some cases, being emotional and over-sensitive can become a way of being. Self-esteem is at half-mast, which makes matters worse because setbacks and provocations affect them more than they should.
Expressing emotions inappropriately (how, where, when): a person must be able to express emotion but also channel it properly if they want to maintain relationships. It is sometimes necessary to postpone the outburst and/or to control its signs.
Is it possible to limit the chances of such emotional outbursts?
The answer is yes! Everyone can and must learn to manage their emotions! Which means letting the four phases of the emotion play out and sometimes delaying the outburst. The appropriate response is different depending on the phase of the cycle.
1- The trigger: listen to yourself and recognize your emotions
An explosion was triggered: speech, behavior, etc. You are emotionally troubled: take note!
If you are alone, don't try to hold it in. Be aware of what is happening: know which parts of your body are responding. If you have trouble concentrating, connect with yourself by focusing on your thumb and breathing gently.
If you are not alone, go directly to the next step.
2- Channel the build-up
How do you usually express emotional tension? Does your voice harden? Do you shake? Do you suddenly run away? Do you give evil looks?
It's important to channel tension at work. Even small signals can be considered violent. It's important to spot the signs of emotional build-up, focus them, and avoid an explosion!
3- Delay the emotional outburst
Limit the risks of overflow by eating a balanced diet, taking necessary vitamins, getting enough sleep, and avoiding excesses. Laughter is an excellent way to release tension. But humor is not always an option…
If you can not isolate yourself right away:
Don't answer/speak immediately (silence is golden).:)
Avert your gaze and focus on an object. Move away (without being rude) if necessary.
Count to 10.
Breathe gently: three discreet breaths into the belly.
Slowly serve yourself a glass of water and drink it.
Then, you can answer while controlling your voice: keep it low, calm, and slow.
If you tend to be caustic, try smiling before speaking.
If you can, quickly isolate yourself (if not, later):
Breathe: Sit down with your back straight, legs in line with your hips, feet on the ground and uncrossed, hands on your thighs. Take a deep breath (ventral breathing), slowly exhale into 4-strokes. At the 4th, expel all remaining air. Repeat until you calm down. :) Here is a quick demo on what that will look like.
Try the following fountain of light exercise: sit in the same position as before with your eyes closed. Imagine a great stream of white light coming in through your feet and slowly ascending through your legs, bust, arms, neck and out the top of your head, then running down your arms and back into your feet. This fountain washes away your negative energies.
Put your hands under hot water in case of anxiety, sadness, shame, surprise, jealousy, disgust; under cold water in case of anger.
It is very important that the emotion be expressed sooner or later!
If you have mastered your emotions, you can release your emotions gently in the right contest through speaking:
Your body language is open.
You express your disagreement factually.
You explain your need calmly, following the rules of positive communication without making the other party feel guilty.
It requires a certain amount of emotional maturity, and that the other party is capable of hearing your request.
4- Ensure as complete an unwind as possible later
Work on the root causes: Identify the unmet needs by looking at Maslow's pyramid again, especially if it's a pattern. Make peace with these causes if they are related to your past. Introspection can help you see things more clearly.
Wanting to get a handle on emotions and practicing your reactions can lead to excellent results: start practicing!
Let's recap!
Managing your emotions means:
Recognizing emotions by becoming aware of triggers and possible filtering behaviors (denial, transformation, rationalization, displacement).
Controlling their intensity (the build-up) and postponing their harmful manifestation (the outburst).
Expressing them fully by unwinding.
Now we will look at other qualities you need to resolve conflicts: join me in the next chapter to develop your empathy and assertiveness! :D
