You’ve been there. I’ve been there. Anyone who doesn’t (or didn’t) know how to say no has been there. A friend or coworker asks you for a favor, and despite all that you have on your plate, you agree to help.
Whether you do it to be nice, to please someone, or to avoid upsetting them, saying yes isn’t always a winning solution, whether for the person asking or for you—and less still for the relationship between the two of you.
One change that was a huge time saver for me was when I started saying no. It was hard at first. But now I say no on a regular basis. I was able to create a protective shell for myself and become a person who can say no at work. The more you say no, the less people bother you! 🙂 – Lawrence, Training Manager
When you start out, you want to do everything people ask of you, you’re highly motivated, you try to make everyone happy, but that’s not possible. Learning how to say no made me much more productive! – Nick, Engineering Manager
Discover the Added Value of “No”
Saying no is an incredible time saver in and of itself, but sometimes it’s also just the best thing to do in a situation.
Let’s say you’re an expert in a technical field. During a meeting, your supervisor assigns you a project with a clear objective and instructs you to use a certain method for the project that’s problematic or not up to standards. As an expert, if you just say yes, you’re not showing them your full added value.
This might seem obvious, but some of us have a harder time saying no than others.
Here’s how you might respond in that meeting:
“Please allow me to take two hours before I respond. Since I believe standards have changed in this area, it’s better if I check on that before we start off in the wrong direction and lose precious time, which could prevent us from reaching our goal.”
This way, you’ll avoid a lot of problems; but what’s interesting to note here is that you never once actually said the word “no.” Your supervisor won’t take it as a refusal, and you’ll show your value as a team member by taking a protective stance, at least in this specific case.
Feel out Your Boundaries
The truth is, we all want to hear “no” sometimes, to know which lines can’t be crossed. Everyone needs boundaries, both in work and in life. When we ask a vendor or expert for a consultation on a work project, we’re expecting them to advise us and set boundaries to aid in our decision-making.
For example, say you’re in a store trying to decide between two toaster ovens, you ask for advice to help you choose, and the salesperson responds that both toaster ovens are perfect. They haven’t really helped you, since you’ll either have to choose an oven arbitrarily, or walk out and go to another store to get the advice you’re seeking.
In other words, a “no” can be a very positive thing. And understand that in order to say yes, you have to know how to say no. I’d even take it a bit further and add that learning how to say no means learning how to say yes to yourself.
Overcome Your Difficulty Saying “No”
In no particular order, here are some reasons we might have difficulty refusing:
Fear of authority
Anxiety over having to justify or make excuses for yourself
Fear of disappointing someone, hurting someone or not being liked
Aversion to conflict or fear of retaliation
Fear of ridicule and judgment from others
Some of these are legitimate issues, but most of them are not.
So, you’re telling me I can be even more helpful by saying no?
Indeed, you can! Every situation is different, but you have to listen to yourself first to know when to say no. So, in the future, try listening to yourself and saying no when you really don’t want to do something.
Say “No” With Confidence
However you go about it, the first challenge is saying no without making too many excuses. In fact, perhaps surprisingly, too many excuses can actually offend the other person or waste their time.
To illustrate, let’s set the scene:
A manager asks you to do some work very quickly and on a tight budget. He pleads with you, says you’re his last resort, his savior. He tells you that the business will go under unless you help, his eyes shining like a cartoon character...
Hold on! If you’re like me, you’d be extremely tempted to say yes. But you must resist! Here are three techniques for saying no.
1. Delay Your Response
Sometimes the simplest thing to do is not answer right away.
“I’ll email you my response this evening. I need to check my schedule and take stock of my to-do list, and then I’ll confirm if I can help.”
2. Ask a Question or Rephrase the Request
Find out more specifics by asking questions or rephrasing the request.
“Why is this urgent?”
“Why didn’t you contact me sooner?”
“Who should have been responsible for this project?”
“Why is the budget so low?”
“Are you aware that on such a tight deadline and with so little budget, there’s a chance that what I deliver might be flawed, unfinished, or non-functional?
3. The DESC Method
The idea behind this method is to diagram the request by framing it almost like an equation.
Step 1, describe the problem: “If I understand correctly, you’re asking me to do this project in a very short time frame and on an extremely tight budget?”
Step 2, express your feelings and needs: Explain how that’s a problem: “I’m already working on a project. I’d be running the risk of delivering lower-quality work and disappointing you. I don’t want to disappoint you, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to give you my best-quality work.”
Step 3, specify solutions or conditions: “If you’re fine with the work not being functional, it’s possible to do something that looks good but won’t work. Otherwise, you’ll have to increase your budget so I can assemble the team I need to do this project right.”
Step 4, clarify consequences: “As explained above, if you can’t increase your budget and you want the project to be functional, I’m sorry to say I won’t be able to help you.”
Let’s Recap!
Saying no means establishing boundaries for yourself and respecting those boundaries.
When employed strategically, refusal can be a huge time saver.
It’s appropriate to say no when something is too costly—and not just in terms of money.
Saying no can be very positive for you, for the other person(s) and for the relationship between you.
When you know how to say no, your “yes” will have even more value.
There are several different techniques for learning to say no, such as delaying your response, questioning or rephrasing the problem, and the DESC method.
Saying no isn’t easy, but you have to force yourself to say it to save precious time! Good luck putting this into practice. Let’s move on to the next topic on productivity and working in teams: meetings. “Meeting fatigue” is a serious condition that can spread all too easily in almost any business. Are you ready to fight it? See you soon!
