If you face obstacles during the conflict resolution process, it's important to remain vigilant, keep cool, and have empathy. I suggest the following techniques:
Overcome obstacles to communication
You may be faced with several types of difficulties. Learn to spot them!
1- Alternating monologues
During the preliminary exchanges or the DESC sessions, the parties will act as if they are having a dialogue, but without really listening to each other. Each will:
Continue to repeat the same thing.
Not respond to the other party's arguments (passive brake).
Accuse and blame (active brake).
Adopt a closed body posture, with an evasive or aggressive gaze.
In this case, you should:
Identify the problem.
Control your posture and gestures: open, smiling, chest forward, gaze centered.
Master your voice: slow, low, serene.
Ask for an answer to the problem and don't hesitate to repeat your question: "What do you think of...? Can you answer me... First, I need your answer..."
2- A conflict hiding another
Despite your efforts to be transparent, listen, and goodwill, everything might not be put on the table. Here are the possible reasons:
An unstated underlying problem with the solution that prevents the resolution.
Then ask, "Is there something that bothers you about this arrangement? Have we considered all the consequences for you? "
An earlier conflict affects a more recent one. Egos are still wounded: tactfully ask the participants about prior conflicts.
Some feelings are hard to confess; like jealousy or envy. This is something you can’t anticipate or bring up because it could make the person lose face (which would be counterproductive!). :(
3- Egos
Bruised egos get in the way of solving a conflict.
Think about the crisis and remind yourself of your words and feelings, and their impact on your gestures and tone of voice.
Make sure that the other person is able to hear the message and recognize their part without using it against you.
Counteract the impact of organizations on individuals
1- Conflicts of loyalty
Conflicts of loyalty happen when someone finds himself in an awkward position when resolving the conflict: how can you go in the direction of A without caving or betraying B?
Your analysis should include the current and past relationships between the protagonists: is there a former manager or colleague in the conflict loop?
2- Power games
Every organization has power games. Learn to spot them!
There are five types of forces that give power and stir rivalry:
Either: intelligence, competence, charm, physical and mental strength, fragility (which leads to legal or social protection).
Networks: attachments, rights, duties or dependencies.
Property: material possessions of all kinds.
Information: what is known, said and unsaid, control of flow of information.
Processes: organizational control.
When you sense that one party is unwilling to deal with the issue, ask yourself who benefits from the conflict in the medium/long term.
If this conflict stagnates, you will at least be aware of its real factors. You can then take precautions and avoid exposing yourself further.
Avoid unethical outcomes
When a conflict escalates, you may be tempted to do two things, especially if you are dealing with a difficult personality:
Scapegoating: sacrificing a common enemy or an innocent victim.
Making an example: retaliating in a disproportionate way.
Deal with difficult personalities
Be careful when you have a difficult personality involved in the conflict.
Know how to recognize a difficult personality
We have all been someone’s difficult personality at one time or another! However, having a different side to your personality isn't the same thing as having a difficult personality.
You need time to understand and adjust to other people's different ways of being, whether you are more relational, directive, analytical, or creative:
| Priority | Mode of operating |
Analytical | The task at hand | Slow, measured rhythm |
Directive | The task at hand | Reactivity and fast pace |
Relational | The relationship | Slow, measured rhythm |
Creative | The relationship | Reactivity and fast pace |
Some modes of operating are more difficult than others; for example, those who prevent cooperation despite repeated efforts.
What leeway is available in this situation?
In fact, everything is possible. Even when a situation seems at an impasse, someone with a difficult personality can sometimes become the mediator’s best ally. :)
Moreover, because of these relationship challenges, the difficult personality often has one or more underutilized skills you can put to good use! :)
One thing is certain, it will take time and patience to transform the relationship.
If you opt for a process of transformation, then you must consider this personality from three perspectives:
For her or him. The difficult personality is entitled to your respect. It's important that you understand how they function. Don't pretend you are a psychologist, but, know that personal life is reflected in professional life. So dare to ask questions about their personal journey.
In your relationship. In fact, the difficulty can lie in their relationship with you, so consider your behavior. This is the moment to use active listening and empathy. Make a list of their qualities (there are always some if you are objective).;)
In a specific context. The difficult personality is responding to the lack of one or more basic needs. Observe and understand how the current or past context makes this person react.
There is no miracle recipe, but some techniques can help you contain the problem behavior.
Avoid certain mistakes
Type | Behavior | Characteristics | To avoid | To do |
Antisocial | great self-confidence, great self control, sometimes violent | refuses responsibility, demanding | manifestations of fear, make him/her lose face, impulsive | be assertive, serene, normative |
Anxious | contracted shoulders, constrained breathing, frightened eyes | worry, permanent tension | surprise, improvisation, excessive optimism | be ultra-reliable to reassure |
Dependent | kind, submissive, needy | afraid of being lonely, admiration for others | highlighting, systematic help | entrust responsibilities to one's measure, push for autonomy |
Depressive | talks a lot about woes | pessimistic, devaluates | excess of kindness and positivity | value, give opportunities for measurable success |
Avoiding | reserved, shy, blushes, stammers, thin voice | afraid to disappoint, approval seeking | irony, mockery, nervousness, jostling | be gentle and considerate |
Hyperactive | roving eyes, staccato pace of speaking, restless lower limbs | impatient, competitive, speed | excessive thinking or analysis, unnecessary competitions | to be available and attentive |
Introverted | gaze in the distance, does not seem to be present | lonely, isolated | spreading of feelings, excess of relational proximity | use logical, rational, numbered arguments |
Narcissistic | occupies the space without taking others into account | egocentric, charming | systematic opposition, does not return favors | compliment moderately and talk about others |
Obsessive | Express himself in long sentences, recurring conversation topics | perfectionism, fussy | irony, excessive recognition | reassure thme about their abilities |
Paranoid | cold, demeanor of a commander | mistrust, lack of flexibility | improvisation, mockery, compliments | be strong and keep in touch |
Passive aggressive | withdrawn, loud voice, sometimes aggressive physical proximity | rebellious, obstructive | authoritarianism, criticism, attack | be informal, simple, sensitive |
Theatrical | strong vocal and body expressiveness, looking to be watched | seductive, dramatic | seduction, mockery | listen without falling in love
|
Go a step further if the problem persists
At Stage 3 (stagnation) of the conflict:
The resentment is set and escalation automatic.
All attempts at empathy, positive communication, and emotional control will seem ridiculous or hypocritical.
The protagonists often do not believe in a resolution: the only acceptable way out for the bruised egos and the hurt feelings becomes the destruction of the other or keeping them at a distance.
The DESC method requires that participants have confidence that the manager can be impartial and that one of the colleagues suggests rules of dialogue. The method loses its effectiveness when there is no trust.
What if behavior that affects cooperation, team well-being, and performance continue?
Sanctions are always possible. They require HR assistance and a legal framework. There is, in ascending order of gravity:
Oral warning
Written warning
Sanction
Layoff
Dismissal
If the conflict is bogged down or a minefield:
Get a disagreement agreement from the parties. You can at least agree to disagree! Note that there is a problem, that the consequences of this disagreement cannot continue any longer, and that you will seek outside intervention.
You can get help from an outside mediator. Specialized organizations or your HR staff can provide you with information and lists of professionals.
Let's recap!
During DESC discussion sessions, you must spot and defuse some potential problems:
Conversations where parties don’t listen.
An older, hidden conflict.
Ego preventing shared blame.
Power games.
Conflicts of loyalty.
Difficult personalities.
And, even if you are tempted, avoid scapegoating or making an example of someone: it is unfair and will undermine trust.
Finally, if the impasse persists and DESC does not resolve the conflict, you can still:
Get help from an outside mediator.
Offer support if the conflict involves a difficult personality.
Work with HR to seek disciplinary sanctions.
However, I can't emphasize enough that prevention is better than a cure! And for more on this, check out the next chapter. :)
