Find the Interests Behind the Positions

Separating the people from the problem, from the last chapter, clears the air so a disagreement can be worked on calmly. But it does not yet tell you how to solve it. Two people can be perfectly civil to each other and still be completely stuck, each holding firm to what they want. This chapter gives you the move that gets them unstuck: looking past what each side says it wants to find what each side actually needs.

What’s the Difference Between a Position and an Interest?

Picture two members of a student society planning its end-of-year trip. One insists, “We should book the cheap hostel out of town.” The other insists, “No, we need the hotel in the center.” Back and forth they go, and neither will budge. As long as the argument stays stuck on the hostel versus the hotel, one of them has to lose.

What those two are trading are positions. A position is what a person says they want: the specific solution they have landed on and are now pushing for. “The cheap hostel” and “the central hotel” are positions.

But under every position sits something quieter and more important: an interest. An interest is the why behind the what, the need, worry, or goal that made the person land on that position in the first place. Ask the first member why the cheap hostel, and it comes out: they are worried a pricey hotel will price out members who cannot afford much, and they want as many people as possible to be able to come. Ask the second why the central hotel, and their reason comes out too: last year the far-out venue meant an hour of travel each way, people spent the trip exhausted, and half the events got missed.

Notice what just happened. Their positions clash head-on, hostel versus hotel, but their interests barely clash at all. One wants the trip to be affordable; the other wants people to actually enjoy it and not lose hours to travel. Those two things can happily live together. The reason people get stuck is almost never that their real needs are opposite; it is that each has jumped to a single solution and is now defending the solution instead of talking about the need underneath it.

That is why the move matters. When you argue positions, you are trapped with the options already on the table, and usually someone has to give theirs up. When you uncover interests, you often find room for a solution neither side had thought of, one that gives both people what they actually came for.

Positions Above the Waterline, Interests Below

A picture makes the idea stick. Think of a disagreement as an iceberg. The position is the tip you can see; the interests are the bigger, heavier part underneath that is really doing the work. Most arguments stay stuck at the tip, trading visible positions back and forth. The whole skill of this chapter is learning to look under the waterline.

Ask for the Why, Then Find Common Ground

So how do you actually get under the waterline? There is a short, repeatable move you can run in almost any stuck disagreement.

• Ask what matters. For each side, ask a version of “what matters to you about this?” or “what are you worried would happen if we did it the other way?” The aim is to get past the solution they keep naming and reach the need sitting under it.

• Name each interest out loud. Say back what you heard, in terms of needs rather than solutions: “So you want to keep it affordable so no one is left out,” and “and you want to keep the travel short so people aren’t wiped out.” This checks that you understood, and it puts both needs where everyone can see them.

• Find one interest you share. Look for the need both sides have in common. There is almost always one, usually some version of “we both want this to go well for the group.”

• Build an option that serves it. With the shared interest named, invent a solution aimed at the interests rather than the original positions: a mid-priced place a short bus ride out, a central hostel, or the cheap venue plus a small subsidy for anyone who needs it. Suddenly there are more than two options on the table.

That happens, especially when someone feels put on the spot. Do not fire “why” at them like a challenge; ask instead what they are hoping for, or what they are worried about, which is gentler and easier to answer. And offer your own interest first: “I’m pushing for the cheap option because I don’t want to lose anyone who can’t pay.” Going first makes it safe for them to do the same.

Dig Beneath Two Positions

Let us watch the move work on a harder case. A small food co-op, a member-owned grocery run by volunteers, has a steering group that decides what goes on the shelves. Two members are deadlocked. Nadia wants the co-op to stock only local, organic produce. Tomas wants to bring in some cheaper, conventional brands. On the surface these are flatly opposed, and the meetings keep ending in stalemate.

Another member, Jonah, tries the move instead of picking a side. First he asks each of them what matters. Nadia, once she gets past “local and organic,” says this: she joined the co-op precisely because it supports nearby farms and stands for something, and she is afraid that cheap conventional stock would turn it into just another grocery shop with no reason to exist. That is her interest: protect what the co-op stands for. Tomas, asked the same, gets past “cheaper brands” to his real worry: several members on tight budgets have started shopping elsewhere because the co-op is too expensive, and if that keeps up the co-op loses members and eventually folds. His interest: keep it affordable enough that people can actually use it, so it survives.

Now look at what is on the table. The positions, only-local-organic versus add-conventional, still clash. But the interests do not. Nadia wants the co-op to keep its identity; Tomas wants it to stay affordable and keep its members. And underneath both sits an interest they plainly share: they both want the co-op to survive and thrive. Neither wants it to close.

With that shared interest named, the conversation finally has somewhere to go. Instead of choosing between two shelves, the group can ask a better question: how do we stay affordable and keep what makes us us? Options appear that no one was offering before, a small, clearly labeled range of low-cost staples alongside the local, organic core; a bulk-buying scheme that brings the price of the good stuff down; a hardship discount for members who need it. They may not settle it in one meeting. But they are now solving the real problem, keep the co-op alive and worth belonging to, instead of refereeing a fight between two shelves.

Your Turn!

Now you dig beneath the positions yourself, on paper.

The setup. You help run a weekend running club. The club has a small pot of money left over this year, and two members disagree about what to do with it. One says, “We should spend it on proper club jackets for everyone.” The other says, “No, we should put it towards hiring a coach for a few sessions.” In the group chat they are starting to go in circles, each just repeating their own idea.

Your task. In a few lines, write down:

• one likely interest behind the “club jackets” position, the why underneath, not the jackets themselves;

• one likely interest behind the “hire a coach” position;

• one interest the two of them share, the common ground a solution could aim at.

Make each interest a need, worry, or goal, not just the original idea reworded. If what you have written still names jackets or a coach, ask “why would they want that?” one more time. Work this out in your own words, from your own read of the moment, rather than asking an AI tool to do it for you. Finding the interest under a position is the exact skill you are building here.

Let’s Recap!

• A position is what someone says they want; an interest is the need, worry, or goal underneath it.

• Positions often clash head-on while the interests beneath them fit together perfectly well.

• Get under the waterline by asking what matters to each side, then naming each interest as a need rather than a solution.

• Restating a position in new words is not an interest; keep asking why until you reach a real need, fear, or goal.

• Once you name an interest both sides share, you can invent options neither side had put on the table.

So far you have met the moves one at a time: stay steady, name the trigger, give a clean SBI note, separate the people from the problem, and dig for interests. In the final chapter, we put them together and walk two complete exchanges, one feedback conversation and one disagreement, from the first awkward moment through to a good ending.