Empathy can be very useful when dealing with conflicts. :D
Being satisfied is more important than being right. If you get what you want, the truce could be short-lived.
When dealing with a conflict, it's important to understand the motives and values of the other person. However, that doesn't mean that you should forget your own needs and concerns. The goal is to find a good balance between empathy and assertiveness.
Let's start with empathy :).
Develop your ability to read emotional states in others
Spot the weak signals
Interpersonal communication is made up of verbal and nonverbal signals. According to A. Mehrabian, nonverbal communication signals are more significant than verbal. He found that:
Verbal signals account for 7% of how the message will be perceived.
Nonverbal signals, such as tone or expressions, account for 93% of the conscious and unconscious perception of the message.
38% of the message is based on sound and tone of voice.
55% of the message is visual: facial expressions and body language.
Nonverbal signals are so important that you should strive to be a great emotional decoder who can interpret signals such as agitation, aggression, indifference, avoidance, etc.
This doesn't happen because:
Not everyone shows their feelings.
People's filters (denial, rationalization, etc.) create a delay. Often, what is said (verbal) is different than their nonverbal cues.
Identify the discrepancies between verbal and nonverbal signals
There is a mismatch when verbal and nonverbal communication aren't in balance.
For example, if someone says, "I am very happy to see you again,” but doesn't make eye contact or has their back to you.
The difficulty comes from the fact that the body can mask nonverbal signals. This happens when a person has been defensive and self-protective for a long time.
However, this is only true up to a point: emotion is a physical impulse, and so, signals are always present. You can learn to spot them in:
The body: posture, movement of the arms, hands, legs, inclination of the head.
The voice: high/low, fast/slow, emotional/emotionless, hesitant/confident.
The mouth: grin, open, smile (comfortable or uncomfortable).
The eyes: wide-open/closed/narrowed, rolled eyes, avoid eye-contact.
Skin coloring: paleness, flushing.
The rest of the face: tension in the jaw, squinting, lifting of eyebrows/frowning.
Breathing: halted/panting, sighing.
Listen to the unsaid in what is being said
Even if a person hides or masks his feelings, verbal signals still have information. Clues can include:
Statements using adverbs with an opposite meaning to the sentence, for example, "In any case, management appreciated the audit report."
A simple, "I don't understand" can mean, "I don't agree."
A sentence that seems to be objective and could start with "me" or "I," but can have an underlying meaning. For example, "I'm always very punctual," can mean:
I have never been late.
I like punctuality.
Everyone here is not always punctual.
Being late is disrespectful.
Punctuality is a real effort because I live more than an hour away.
I am very self disciplined.
I am trustworthy.
Depending on the context, the sentence may use emotions like fear, anger, sadness, or disgust to cover up a defensive attitude or a need for recognition.
Identify the other party’s emotional profile (and your own!)
We'll use the eight emotional archetypes as defined by G. Berger to explore this concept further.
These eight emotional archetypes distinguish between:
The relationship to action:
Four are active, meaning they have an energy that allows them to act without delaying and in a stimulating way.
Four are non-active: for these people, the action is often an effort and is postponed or accomplished by a sense of duty rather than pleasure.
Proximity with your emotions:
This person is not very emotional and keeps their cool in a situation.
The emotive person can be jumpy, troubled, and enthusiastic. They are sensitive and never indifferent. Their feelings are sharp and can be externalized or internalized, depending on whether they are active or non-active.
The reaction time:
The reaction time from the stimulus (the trigger) can be short (less than a minute): the reaction is spontaneous, unfiltered, and self-aware.
This reaction time is longer because the reaction is more inhibited, intellectualized, and calculated. It takes time for it to enter the conscious mind (from several minutes to several days).
Hence, the following eight profiles:
Relationship to action | Emotional proximity | Short reaction time | Longer reaction time |
Active | Close | Irritable | Passionate |
Active | Weak | Short-tempered | Phlegmatic |
Not active | Close | Sentimental | Anxious |
Not active | Weak | Amorphous | Apathetic |
Take differences in value systems into account
People you interact with think in their own way and have their own principles and value systems. Don't project yours onto them: it is unlikely to fit, or even at all!
Values imply rights and responsibilities
Even if a group shares the same values, their importance can vary from person to person. Look through the partial list below, and identify and rank the three that are most important to you in order of importance. Then, consider the ones you didn't choose without judgment.
Values | My Rights (examples) | My Responsibilities (examples) |
Freedom | "I like telling funny stories, and I think we can laugh about everything." | "Everyone does what they wants with their life. I don’t judge." |
Justice | "Jobs with no job security are unfair." | "I credit a sale to a colleague who took care of the client for a long time because he or she deserves it." |
Equality | "Women and men should get equal pay for doing the same job.” | "I agree to change my summer vacation slot every year." |
Respect | "It's important that my colleagues respect my cultural identity." | "I don't mention my colleague's private life in front of third parties." |
Solidarity | "I can count on my colleagues when needed." | "My colleagues can count on me when needed." |
Autonomy | "I don't have to work overtime to make up for repeated mistakes." | "I am independent and no one depends on me." |
Civility | "I appreciate that my colleagues take time to greet each other in the morning." | "Even when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I always take a little time for my colleagues." |
People can misunderstand each other when they have different values. For example, someone who ranks freedom first may have a conflict with someone who places respect first. Someone who ranks solidarity first may have a problem with someone who ranks autonomy second. One of them might leave work at 6:30 pm no matter what while the other stays late to meet a deadline.
Principle versus consequence
People can also have misunderstandings when one chooses their values based on principles and the other using consequences. Do the previous exercise again. Are you more principle or consequence-oriented? For which values? For example:
Values | Principle oriented | Consequence oriented |
Performance | "In business, it's the performance that counts. I understand that some of my needs are sacrificed for the collective good or the success of the project.” | "Organizations rely on collective performance, but it can't be at the expense of individual well-being. So, we must find a compromise and accept lower productivity." |
Truth | "I never lie, whatever the consequences. I can accept any truth, even unpleasant ones.” | "I avoid lying, but I prefer to keep quiet if the truth will hurt a colleague." |
Be assertive
Assertiveness, a concept introduced by A. Salter, is stating your position in a simple, direct, and non-aggressive manner. This is a skill and mindset that requires you to allow the other person to be assertive as well.
Being assertive is stating your position firmly while remaining considerate of the other. To do this, much must know:
Your needs and limitations (tolerance to unmet needs).
Your emotional profile.
Your filters.
Your triggers.
Your value system.
To be assertive, you need good self-esteem, which can fluctuate depending on the situation. When it's low or quiet, it can take some effort to pick it back up. So, boost your self-esteem by writing:
A list of your qualities (at least 7).
A list and your professional achievements; there are many! :)
Let's recap!
It's important to find the balance between empathy and assertiveness if you want to manage conflict effectively. You can acquire both of these qualities by learning to understand yourself and others.
You can gain more empathy if you:
Learn to observe and recognize verbal and nonverbal communication cues.
Understand and accept that people have different value systems (priorities, postures, principle or consequence-oriented).
Assertiveness is a non-violent forcefulness that requires that:
You know yourself well.
You recognize your needs.
Now that you are more in control of your emotions and have begun developing your empathy and assertiveness, there are two other conflict resolution skills you should learn: active listening and positive communication! :)
