Resolve Conflicts at Work

Active listening and positive communication are important tools for conflict resolution.

Use active learning techniques

Listening to what others have to say will help you find the best solutions. Active listening consists of:

• Listening closely

• Rephrasing

• Asking questions

In conflict situations, people often interrupt and talk over each other. This gets in the way of solving the dispute. Read the following few paragraphs for tips on how to be a good active listener.

Listen closely

Listening is the only way to analyze what is causing a conflict.

Below is a list of best practices on how to become a good listener:

• I sincerely want to understand, and I am genuinely curious about how the person I'm talking to thinks. 

• I can wait for my turn to talk: I don't interrupt.

• When listening, I am 100% focused on what the other person is saying because I know they will do the same when it's my turn. 

• My facial expression is neutral, my body language is open, I'm turned towards the person I'm talking to.

• I naturally alternate between looking at the person and looking away (when I am focused on what is said).

• I have an opinion on the situation, but am open to change.

• I listen without rejecting, adding, or modifying what the other person says. I don't try and reinterpret what's being said.

• I am paying full attention and can identify ideas (verbal), perceive the emotional state (nonverbal), and possibly identify when the two don't seem to match.

• If I have a strong urge to interrupt, I slowly pour myself a glass of water, count to 10 in my head, or discreetly take a few deep breaths.

• If the other person is searching for words, I don't finish sentences for them; I wait without showing signs of impatience.

You may worry that you won't have time to talk after the other person is finished (escape or lack of time). This is an easy problem to solve. In a formal conflict management discussion, a listening rule is stated with defined alternate speaking times of 10 or 20 minutes each, for example. 

Below is a list of other classic fears you may have about listening, and how you can overcome them:

• If I am afraid I'll forget something, I can take notes while the other person speaks.

• If I don't understand something, I can make a note of it and ask questions later.

• If the other person expresses themselves emotionally (outburst), I let him/her talk, and I wait.

• I pay attention to anything I could interpret as unconscious or deliberate provocations. They are sometimes the result of my interpretation. My silence and calm will pay off in the long run.

• If the other person takes an unreasonable amount of time to express himself/herself (starts to repeat), I ask to speak, without aggression:

"I listened carefully to what you said, I would now like to answer you."

If you find that your emotions or feelings of being provoked get in the way of maintaining this type of listening, ask for a break and set a later date to have the conversation.

Rephrase what the other person says

Rephrasing means you are able to sum up what the other person said.

Rephrasing is important for the following reasons:

• First, it allows you to confirm that you have understood what has been said.

• Second, it proves to other person that you are good at listening.

• Finally, rephrasing (if it is kept short and neutral) is often a comfortable break in a tense exchange, and relieves pressure. 

Rephrasing is:

• Summarizing: "So, what you are basically saying is... is that correct? 

• Clarifying: "What you mean is...?" Clarification can be applied to ideas as well as feelings: "Did you expect something else?" or "That surprised you?"

• Refocusing: When the discussion doesn't go anyway or goes off topic: "Let's go back to...," "Let's move on to..."

Ask questions

Asking questions allows you to analyze the situation based on facts by confirming or negating your assumptions.

For example, if you are told, "I am always very punctual," you can ask questions such as: "Do you have a long commute to work?" This can lead to: "In other words, would you like to change your schedule?"

If the other person is an introvert, encourage them to express themselves: "I would like to understand...",  "What do you think of...?", or "How do you feel about...?"

Effective questioning combines three things:

• Perceptions using open-ended questions (what/what/when/comment/how much?), or closed questions for details (do you...? with "yes" or "no" answers). Don't hesitate to go deeper ("what do you think? ", " in what way... ?", "in relation to what?").

• The motives, goals, and needs: Why? How? ("What do you expect from our collaboration?", "Do you prefer this or that?", etc.)

• Feelings and emotions: "What is your feeling about this issue?" "What annoys you?" "What are your doubts?" If the other person is not very talkative, ask "Don't you think that...?"

Also, pay attention to silences. Is it admiring, complicit, approving, thoughtful, or does it indicate the person is thinking about other things?

To be effective, active listening must be accompanied by positive communication.

Communicate clearly and positively

Successful communication happens when the speaker feels heard and understood by the listener, who can then use what was said.

Communicating is a risky business because messages go through filters and lose a little of the original meaning on the way to their destination. There are nine filters in total:

1. What I think.

2. What I mean.

3. What I say.

4. What he/she hears.

5. What he/she listens to.

6. What he/she understands.

7. What he/she accepts.

8. What he/she retains.

9. What he/she does.

During a conflict, emotions usually rise, listening decreases and the message gets scrambled.!:o

It's a challenge to make yourself understood and have productive conversations! It helps if you try to be as clear and positive as possible. There are other things you can do, in addition to managing your emotions and working on your active listening skills.

Be clear and specific

When you express yourself, you run the risk of increasing the level of misunderstanding. For example, when:

• You forget part of the sentence: "You did not listen.” Listen to what?

• You aren't specific with the subject of the sentence (the one doing the action): using impersonal sentence constructions or the third person dilutes responsibility and leaves the meaning open to interpretation.

• You overuse generalizations: "Engineers are...," "You always say...," "Salespeople never do...," “Young people don’t like..."

• You affirm an assumption: "He lied,” "I feel she forgot to talk about it.”

Mean-spirited office gossip can sour the work environment and prevent cooperation. Rumors are excellent fuel for conflict: avoid gossip and check your facts.

To summarize: avoid confusing incomplete sentences, generalizations, and rumors. Always try to be clear and specific; focusing on the facts and just the facts! :)

Use positive words and expressions

Using negative words and expressions can confuse the person you are trying to communicate with. Instead, do the opposite!

Pay attention to your words. Do you tend to use words with negative connotations, such as demand, fail, neglect, always, never, wrong, want, mandatory, unable, make fun of, etc.? :(  Instead, use neutral or positive terms, such as: benefit, accept, fair, equitable, proposition, excellent, wish, hypothesis, possibility, discuss, opt for, etc. :D

You can do something similar with your expressions. Here's how you can transform them:

Learn to say no while staying positive

It is possible to refuse or disagree without accusing or blaming the other party (which is counterproductive). To do this, follow the three steps below:

1- State the facts: "I can't have lunch with you at noon." / "I can't handle the bid process for this project.“

2- Talk about your needs and its impact on you: "I need to play some sports to decompress." / "I don't know the specifics, and I may make mistakes.”

3- Ask for another option: "I’d love to have dinner with the whole team!" / "Do you think I can get training?” or, "Maybe I can help you with something else?" / "Can you think of someone else who could take care of it?"

Don't wait: practice active listening and positive communication with your family and friends. :lol:

Let's recap!

• Use active listening techniques to hear, rephrase, question, and access unsaid issues.

• Use positive communication techniques like being positive, clear, precise, and factual while avoiding generalizations and assumptions in your words and expressions.

To manage conflict, you must improve your communication skills. In other words, the ability to listen and to express yourself in a clear, friendly manner. Now that you know what you need to work on as a person, you are ready to learn about specific conflict resolution techniques!